Apparently, one of our pastors has been known to say something to the effect of,
“True brokenness is when you no longer have any possible plan in your head of how God could possibly work out a particular circumstance.”
I think that the Lord has *finally* taken me there over the course of the last couple weeks. You see, for the last 8 months or so, I have been striving and wrestling to work out my own desires (the ironic thing is, I don’t even really know what those true desires are). Not only that, but I’ve been rebelling at the mere thought that His plan could possibly be the one thing that I didn’t think I wanted.
It’s taken a full 8 months, and maybe really longer than that, but I think I am finally at peace for whatever might be around the bends in our road.
I have taken His silence – His seeming lack of direction – as a hard case of discipline. It’s even made me wonder if I’m truly following Jesus.
My striving – even at the thought – against certain possibilities in our lives, sent me into a frantic searching. A spiraling depression. Doubts.
But He sends truth-filled words and He helps me develop an eye for Him in my life. He allows me to groan through nights of insomnia. Until, I just can’t do it anymore. Like a young toddler, my temper-tantrums and wrestling against the waiting . . . the possibilities . . . did nothing but lead me into sheer exhaustion. He held me through my fighting, lovingly waiting for me to surrender.
I’m done striving.
I’m letting go.
I’m done trying to figure out what He wants.
I don’t even know what I want.
But, of course, it’s not about what I want, now, is it?
It’s all about bringing glory to Him.
In the waiting.
The not knowing.
I know nothing better
rest peacefully in His arms.
Where He leads, I will follow.