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This was the week that I had in my head that our third baby would be here. I never did get a due date, but my heart feels it this week. It’s funny how our subconscious feels grief, but manifests through seemingly unrelated things.

I snap at my children more this week. I am on ecstatic highs, and on the brink of tears. My arms suddenly feel very empty. I dream of a dear, older friend this week . . . she’s been in heaven for nearly a year and was old enough to be my grandmother. But I dream she has a new baby. I realize somewhere in the course of the next afternoon, that she was holding my baby.

Some might argue that a barely fertilized egg was ever a baby. It was never human, they say. Sometimes people very close to you say these things. But you’re the Mama. And you know. Some “thing” so little, some thing you would have done anything to save, some thing you cry for in the middle of the night, is more than some thing. Regardless of the science, there must be some way that a love so fierce and strong somehow gives honor to life created by love and gives it more life. If all I did was give my baby just enough life to live in the beautiful Presence of God forever, then it was all worth it.

There are others close to me, touched by death on this day. My heart aches for them. But all I can sing is, the last verse of You’re Beautiful.

I see Your face in every sunrise
The colors of the morning are inside Your eyes
The world awakens in the light of the day
I look up to the sky and say
You’re beautiful

I see Your power in the moonlit night
Where planets are in motion and galaxies are bright
We are amazed in the light of the stars
It’s all proclaiming who You are
You’re beautiful, You’re beautiful

I see You there hanging on a tree
You bled and then You died and then You rose again for me
Now You are sitting on Your heavenly throne
Soon we will be coming home
You’re beautiful, You’re beautiful

When we arrive at eternity’s shore
Where death is just a memory and tears are no more
We’ll enter in as the wedding bells ring
Your bride will come together and we’ll sing
You’re beautiful

I see Your face,
You’re beautiful, You’re beautiful, You’re beautiful

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9 responses »

  1. Dear friend, thank you for being cheerful in the face of great grief. Thank you for sharing God’s love even when you’re hurting. You are very beautiful. (Don’t ever forget it.)

  2. Thank you, Olivia. And I just read your post – sounds like we should have *talked* a lot more today!!!!!!

  3. Audra,
    You’ve been on my heart all day today. Maybe this was why! I’m praying for you, friend. I’m so, so sorry for your loss. I agree with Olivia — you ARE beautiful and I am blessed to read your words. Thank you for sharing this. Know that I’m praying! Love you!

  4. Grief seems to make its own way, against our wills at times, but I love how you see his hand in the process. That grief is under his domain even when it feels so completely beyond our own. And I love even more that you chose that ocean photo because I’ve always felt grief like the tides. The loveliest part of that picture is the bird soaring above the waves. Keep soaring, Audra.

  5. tears and prayers and love and hugs from far to far away.

  6. Thank you so much, friends!!!!!

  7. A friend shared your blog with me through Facebook. We just lost our third child a month ago today. I was 5 weeks along and I loved our third blessing instantly. Overall the Lord has granted peace for us through this loss, but there are days like today that tears come out of no where. Thank you for your encouragement through your words shared.

  8. Oh, Britney. I can’t get you off my mind. Prayers are going up on your behalf.

  9. Beth. Your words mean so much because I know that you have been there.

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