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This was the week that I had in my head that our third baby would be here. I never did get a due date, but my heart feels it this week. It’s funny how our subconscious feels grief, but manifests through seemingly unrelated things.

I snap at my children more this week. I am on ecstatic highs, and on the brink of tears. My arms suddenly feel very empty. I dream of a dear, older friend this week . . . she’s been in heaven for nearly a year and was old enough to be my grandmother. But I dream she has a new baby. I realize somewhere in the course of the next afternoon, that she was holding my baby.

Some might argue that a barely fertilized egg was ever a baby. It was never human, they say. Sometimes people very close to you say these things. But you’re the Mama. And you know. Some “thing” so little, some thing you would have done anything to save, some thing you cry for in the middle of the night, is more than some thing. Regardless of the science, there must be some way that a love so fierce and strong somehow gives honor to life created by love and gives it more life. If all I did was give my baby just enough life to live in the beautiful Presence of God forever, then it was all worth it.

There are others close to me, touched by death on this day. My heart aches for them. But all I can sing is, the last verse of You’re Beautiful.

I see Your face in every sunrise
The colors of the morning are inside Your eyes
The world awakens in the light of the day
I look up to the sky and say
You’re beautiful

I see Your power in the moonlit night
Where planets are in motion and galaxies are bright
We are amazed in the light of the stars
It’s all proclaiming who You are
You’re beautiful, You’re beautiful

I see You there hanging on a tree
You bled and then You died and then You rose again for me
Now You are sitting on Your heavenly throne
Soon we will be coming home
You’re beautiful, You’re beautiful

When we arrive at eternity’s shore
Where death is just a memory and tears are no more
We’ll enter in as the wedding bells ring
Your bride will come together and we’ll sing
You’re beautiful

I see Your face,
You’re beautiful, You’re beautiful, You’re beautiful